It was over a year and a half ago when my long journey in transition began and during that time there has been a gigantic shift in the way I think about things.
As a believer, a lot of how and what I thought was based completely on the Bible.
The whole reason I started down the road of study which lead me to here is because I was honestly concerned for my uncle and his family. Sometimes he would post things to facebook about how thanking God after a natural disaster was like thanking a serial killer, or that religion was a geographic birth lottery, or comments of stories about religion around the world killing people and having barbaric practices. I butted heads with him more than once needless to say.
It made me mad on some levels as well as being concerned. I'm not one to sit idly by while something happens that i don't like. I HAD to do something and staying silent just isn't me. I accused him of being without morale compass because that compass comes from God, or so I thought. I pressed him about how logical our faith was and that we didn't lack the reason to make an informed decision.
I think what really put it over the top for me though was when my uncle declared he was now an evangelist for atheism.
This was in stark contrast to who he was before. He had spent a lot of time trying to get into Christian ministry. He went to church and participated in the band. He had a degree from a Christian college.
His explanation was that he hadn't lost his fervor for spreading the truth, he just learned new truth.
I had received messages from other family members thanking me for standing up for our faith, because we were concerned as a collective for my uncle's whole family.
Being on the other side now, I understand how alienating that must have been and probably still is. There must have been a long line of difficult choices that lead up to that point. Don't get me wrong, my whole family still loves them and would do anything for them, but they also are eager to have the opportunity to minister to them. What's really awkward about it, is that it's genuinely out of love. Its because they care. I'm nearly certain that this is why my uncle's family didn't go to our reunion. I'm sure they would have loved most of it, but maybe just didn't want to have to hear all the religious talk and ministering that went with it.
At the time I honestly didn't consider that though. What I really thought was that my uncle's life wasn't going the way he would like for it to, which made him angry with God, which lead him to atheism. I think most Christians probably think this way. I think people will think the same thing of me when I do "come out" so to speak. A perfect example of this is the movie "God's not Dead."
The problem is that for my uncle, or anyone else for that matter, to be mad at God, he had to believe in God.
To further complicate the matter, I'm sure there are a few "atheists" which fit into the category of being mad at God, and there are a lot of atheists who devote their time to attacking the church with anger which certainly gives off the same appearance to a Christian.
I guess before I transitioned I couldn't identify with someone who didn't believe God existed at all.
Now it could be that my uncle's life wasn't going as he planned, and maybe that's what lead him to the realization of the truth, but I don't know, we've never had that conversation. It may have been he was trying to figure out the meaning of some passage, got confused and went down a similar road of research.
I wonder if people will think I was mad at God? I'm financially more stable than I've ever been, I was about to have my second child and everything in my life is still on an upward swing I feel.
I was also upset because his two boys were definitely believers before. How would this affect them psychologically and spiritually? I felt like it was so unfair to his children for him to put such a big change on them.
Really I was the one being unfair though. Who am I to judge how he parents and what is best for his kids? I know for a fact not everyone will agree with how I raise my kids, but I do look out for what's best for them. I'm not a perfect parent, and neither is my uncle, but its definitely not my place to think hes in the wrong for telling his kids what he thinks is true.
I doubt it will have any lasting psychological effects either. I eventually found out (spoiler alert) that Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy were all fictitious, and I still turned out (relatively) fine. No one knows his children better than he does and his love for them compels him to do his best, even when it is tough.
As a Christian I just couldn't empathize with how he was thinking at the time though. In hindsight the saddest part of all to me is that, at least on some level, he felt like the family couldn't accept him and I was the prime example of why he felt that way. Even with my good intentions I was actually working against the greater good.
I honestly don't even know whether to say I was wrong. Is it wrong to show concern for some one's soul? My gut reaction is to justify my concern because it was out of love, but does that make it okay?
Its a tricky question because I still think treating your neighbor as yourself applies. As a Christian I would have wanted someone to confront me, but from this side, I could see how it might be uncomfortable, especially if you're getting a mini-sermon every time you turn around. Obviously I'm still philosophically exploring these ideas because at the moment, when people discuss religious matters I have no issue discussing things and honestly, I'm happy for them. Seriously. I lost something in this transition: the belief in the impossible. Something every true believer still has. I enjoy seeing their delight at it and I truly don't find it offensive. But I also haven't had anyone try to bring me back to 'the truth' either and I know I don't want a constant barrage of it.
So I think I owe an apology, because what I thought and did in the end was at least in part out of anger and most definitely did not promote the unconditional love family should have for one another.
As a believer, a lot of how and what I thought was based completely on the Bible.
The whole reason I started down the road of study which lead me to here is because I was honestly concerned for my uncle and his family. Sometimes he would post things to facebook about how thanking God after a natural disaster was like thanking a serial killer, or that religion was a geographic birth lottery, or comments of stories about religion around the world killing people and having barbaric practices. I butted heads with him more than once needless to say.
It made me mad on some levels as well as being concerned. I'm not one to sit idly by while something happens that i don't like. I HAD to do something and staying silent just isn't me. I accused him of being without morale compass because that compass comes from God, or so I thought. I pressed him about how logical our faith was and that we didn't lack the reason to make an informed decision.
I think what really put it over the top for me though was when my uncle declared he was now an evangelist for atheism.
This was in stark contrast to who he was before. He had spent a lot of time trying to get into Christian ministry. He went to church and participated in the band. He had a degree from a Christian college.
His explanation was that he hadn't lost his fervor for spreading the truth, he just learned new truth.
I had received messages from other family members thanking me for standing up for our faith, because we were concerned as a collective for my uncle's whole family.
Being on the other side now, I understand how alienating that must have been and probably still is. There must have been a long line of difficult choices that lead up to that point. Don't get me wrong, my whole family still loves them and would do anything for them, but they also are eager to have the opportunity to minister to them. What's really awkward about it, is that it's genuinely out of love. Its because they care. I'm nearly certain that this is why my uncle's family didn't go to our reunion. I'm sure they would have loved most of it, but maybe just didn't want to have to hear all the religious talk and ministering that went with it.
At the time I honestly didn't consider that though. What I really thought was that my uncle's life wasn't going the way he would like for it to, which made him angry with God, which lead him to atheism. I think most Christians probably think this way. I think people will think the same thing of me when I do "come out" so to speak. A perfect example of this is the movie "God's not Dead."
The problem is that for my uncle, or anyone else for that matter, to be mad at God, he had to believe in God.
To further complicate the matter, I'm sure there are a few "atheists" which fit into the category of being mad at God, and there are a lot of atheists who devote their time to attacking the church with anger which certainly gives off the same appearance to a Christian.
I guess before I transitioned I couldn't identify with someone who didn't believe God existed at all.
Now it could be that my uncle's life wasn't going as he planned, and maybe that's what lead him to the realization of the truth, but I don't know, we've never had that conversation. It may have been he was trying to figure out the meaning of some passage, got confused and went down a similar road of research.
I wonder if people will think I was mad at God? I'm financially more stable than I've ever been, I was about to have my second child and everything in my life is still on an upward swing I feel.
I was also upset because his two boys were definitely believers before. How would this affect them psychologically and spiritually? I felt like it was so unfair to his children for him to put such a big change on them.
Really I was the one being unfair though. Who am I to judge how he parents and what is best for his kids? I know for a fact not everyone will agree with how I raise my kids, but I do look out for what's best for them. I'm not a perfect parent, and neither is my uncle, but its definitely not my place to think hes in the wrong for telling his kids what he thinks is true.
I doubt it will have any lasting psychological effects either. I eventually found out (spoiler alert) that Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy were all fictitious, and I still turned out (relatively) fine. No one knows his children better than he does and his love for them compels him to do his best, even when it is tough.
As a Christian I just couldn't empathize with how he was thinking at the time though. In hindsight the saddest part of all to me is that, at least on some level, he felt like the family couldn't accept him and I was the prime example of why he felt that way. Even with my good intentions I was actually working against the greater good.
I honestly don't even know whether to say I was wrong. Is it wrong to show concern for some one's soul? My gut reaction is to justify my concern because it was out of love, but does that make it okay?
Its a tricky question because I still think treating your neighbor as yourself applies. As a Christian I would have wanted someone to confront me, but from this side, I could see how it might be uncomfortable, especially if you're getting a mini-sermon every time you turn around. Obviously I'm still philosophically exploring these ideas because at the moment, when people discuss religious matters I have no issue discussing things and honestly, I'm happy for them. Seriously. I lost something in this transition: the belief in the impossible. Something every true believer still has. I enjoy seeing their delight at it and I truly don't find it offensive. But I also haven't had anyone try to bring me back to 'the truth' either and I know I don't want a constant barrage of it.
So I think I owe an apology, because what I thought and did in the end was at least in part out of anger and most definitely did not promote the unconditional love family should have for one another.
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