I still want to believe

One thing that is very difficult for me to explain or understand is that I still want to believe.
I would be willing to bet there are quite a few out there like myself in that respect. Even though I no longer believe, it doesn't mean I've stopped studying the Bible or looking for solid answers to questions I have.
The problem I repeatedly run into with the Bible is that at every turn there is some discrepancy. It is truly why I remain an unbeliever. Because the Bible proves false consistently.
Like I said though, it hasn't stopped me from searching its text. I'm sure some will see this as a longing for "the truth," but it's more like re-examining the scene of the crime.
Some of why I feel the need to continue to study is that I know I will get a lot of questions from my family and I need to be prepared to provide answers and I have never liked the answer of "I don't know." I do have to be comfortable with that answer sometimes though.
As a Christian I often looked at gaps in science with a mentality of "God did it" and I would just be amazed without wondering further on the how of it. I would be satisfied with not knowing because, to me, it was just another instance of a miraculous God.
It shouldn't surprise me that I still feel that way in some instances.
I have a hard time imagining an eternal universe and the evidence of the big bang seems to imply ours had a beginning, especially considering the universe is accelerating in it's expansion. Will the universe ever collapse? Or is it doomed to fan out until there's no way to observe its expanse? If it doesn't collapse will there be an end? Or will it just fizzle out like a bag of pop rocks in my mouth, losing its energy and slowly becoming black?
These type of questions lead me back to a place where I wonder, is there a God?
Lawrence Krauss has some very interesting talks about just this subject. It's all very compelling in the context of a theory supported by phenomena which cannot be observed directly. Sadly it's still more solid than the theory God did it according to Genesis 1:1 considering there is some evidence. But still the thought occurs to me, is God possible? Is it just an idea in my mind? Could the big bang have been caused by an external omniscient force?
I have to admit there's so many more possibilities than probabilities and honestly, with our limited scope of intelligence, an omniscient being may not be all that great in the end. Assuming something even close to what I imagine could exist, in the end God could be a lot more like the great and powerful Oz.
It's all conjecture coming from the mind of a dreamer. The last artifact of the faith taking its time to dissipate, like fog on an autumn morning in the forest.
Like i said, I still want to believe. Not in the biblical story, but in forever. Wanting something to be true, though, has no bearing on its actual merit.

Could another religion be true?

One question my wife asked me was if I thought I would find a new religion.
I think I can categorically answer that with a no. Although I'm not familiar with every religion, I can say I'm no longer comfortable with the premise of it.
Throughout the Bible there are many miraculous signs which would easily point to some other worldly power being in play. One of my favorites as a kid was when Elijah faced off against the prophets of Baal and called down fire from heaven. Such signs and miracles happen repeatedly throughout the Bible, God seemed to be especially eager in the old testament to prove he was above all other gods, but I have yet to see anything close during my lifetime.
Jesus performed quite a few miracles in front of the disciples that would make me never doubt, such as calming the storm. That's no cheap parlor trick. How on earth could the disciples ever doubt Jesus had supernatural backing after that?
The fact that the Bible says they ever doubted again indicates to me this is just a story. A man whom they saw heal the sick, feed the multitude with a few fish, and made a tree wither for not bearing fruit would be pretty convincing even in today's world of extreme magicians, but calming a storm that's something beyond anyone's capability.
I have to say, that it would be quite convincing to see someone calm a storm. I would be astonished beyond reason.
Once I realized that the Bible was not absolute truth, my eyes were opened to quite a few things I didn't realize before. As a Christian I looked at other religions as spiritual warfare with God's kingdom. Angels and demons all over the place influencing us for each side.
Religions are the concoctions of mankind originating from myths and fables. I've been fooled once and I don't intend to be again.
The thought has crossed my mind that maybe there is a spiritual realm and it is just beyond our abilities to observe it. Maybe its something akin to intuition where we know it exists but cant quite put our finger on it. It's kind of like dark matter in that respect, except with dark matter we have evidence it exists, even though we cant directly observe it.
I believed spiritual influence should fit perfectly into this category. Even if we couldn't observe God directly, it would be nice to at least see his unexplainable influence, it would even lead scientific minded down a road of evidence to God.
This is exactly what I expected to find when my transition started. I expected to find God's unexplainable influence everywhere.
I had been told it was here and assumed it was true, but it didn't take too long to unravel everything I knew considering how long I had spent weaving my own story of the universe along with just the right (mis)information.
The God of the Bible went to great lengths to show he was God, if that story was more than words on a paper, we should see it's continuation today. Even if only by a select few with a mustard seed's worth of faith.
Maybe most religions are making an attempt at describing this intangible but real thing, like the Greeks trying to explain natural occurrences by assigning them gods. But I have a feeling a larger majority are created by people with much less benign intentions. I would suspect most come as a result of men who seek profit and power, and are perpetuated by those who truly believe.
So forgive me if I don't run out to pick up a new holy book.
Not one of them can provide any evidence which would speak to a creator which intervenes in miraculous ways on a consistent basis. Not one.
Some would be quick to say that absence of evidence isn't evidence of absence, and I would agree. Perhaps there is a supreme being that started it all, but unless he puts credible evidence into existence, I'll simply consider it a distant possibility.