Marry your rapist

Deuteronomy 22

28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

I have seen this verse many times in arguments against the Bible. As can be imagine there are quite a few articles around the interwebz which aspire to defend this virtuous piece of writing.
The two top results justify this edict as punishment for the rapist.
Seriously.
There are many cultural differences of the time which are crucial to note in regards to this commandment. Girls were regarded very much as property, as they are still in some middle east countries, and as such, if a man wanted to marry her, he had to pay her father. A girl whose virginity was not intact was not worth much because men wanted virgins and it might be that she would spend her life alone and have no man to support her, leading to a very difficult life.
This is where the possible benefit of this passage comes in. The rapist would be forced to care for her since he defiled her. It also helps the father because no matter what happens (even if he does not give the rapist his daughter) he gets his price for his daughter.
There's another matter which is also important to realize and that is the age of brides in that culture. 12 years and 1 day is old enough to marry with your parents permission and 21 was old enough to marry without. A lot of marriages were arranged in biblical times. So an "unbetrothed virgin" is in many cases a fairly young girl.
Perhaps my aversion to pedophile rapists is just a cultural difference, but i cannot honestly think of any culture where this is the optimal solution.
What is really scary to me about this, is that faith overcomes any rational obstacle to this passage being wrong!
I cannot imagine the hell many girls were forced into because of this passage, being subjected to their rapist throughout the rest of their life. As far as it being a punishment for the rapist, unlike one of the articles which jokes she might not be the right girl for him (seriously? Rape jokes?), i have a feeling the rapist being of questionable morality at the time of the incident, might use the opportunity for ongoing sexual gratification at the girls expense. And he, not being a philanthropist exactly, might not be so careful with her physical or mental well being either.
It's a rapist, not a purse thief! It's a complete violation of human dignity, not a prank.
I'm by no means an ISIS sympathizer, but those men believe they are doing what is righteous. How they can commit such heinous crimes is because faith allows them to overcome the obstacles of reason and morality, just like the two articles i referenced earlier. This is why so many in the atheist and agnostic community regard religion as dangerous, because it can lead good men to do terrible things and still feel like they're in the right.
Why couldn't the commandment say she had to sacrifice a sheep and should be considered a virgin from that point?
I understand that there is no perfect solution to rape, but I can't believe that this is the best an omniscient god could come up with which is why I cannot accept that this scripture is from any deity.
It could be that God's ways are well beyond mine and that the real issue is me, but I still don't think this lines up even biblically and it might be scarier if it does. Read Deuteronomy 28 for the prize and price, biblically speaking, of this passage.

Can God lie?

At one point in time I thought that because God is all powerful that the reason he couldn't lie is because even if he tried to, whatever he spoke or thought would simply come into being anyway. I never thought of God as restrained by time or ability.
But when I started looking for positive proof of God's supernatural interaction with our world, I was forced to ask myself: Can God lie?
Repeatedly in the Bible it is reiterated that God is perfect by nature and cannot lie. As I learned more and more about how the universe works, the reality points to a conclusion which is quite contradictory to the biblical account of creation.
In the Bible God makes everything in six literal days starting at evening. (There are believers who trust the day-age theory, but this is not consistent with the original verbiage.) The seventh 'yom' could be debated though.
We now know that new elements are made inside suns and from their death and, with enough time, that's how we get the elements we need for life as we know it.
We know the geological layers took longer than 6000 years to form because radiometric dating confirms volcanic lava flows much older than this. We know that evolution happens, and not just natural selection of existing traits, but the development of novel ones as well. We know that starlight has traveled more than 6,000 light years to reach earth.
As a believer my initial answer to this was that God made it this way. It's such a simple answer for someone of faith, but it raises a glaring contradiction.
If God made it the universe 6,000 years ago, or even 10,000 or a million years ago, he created it in a way which is deceptive and unnecessary. It would have taken an active decision on God's part to make everything with the kind of age we find. It would mean that if Genesis 1 is truth, then God lies.
This was my biggest problem as a believer. If God lies, what does that say about his nature? If Genesis is not absolute truth, how can we trust that all scripture is the word of God, especially considering Jesus is quoted referencing Genesis?
In order to combat this whole idea, young earth creationists have suggested that radioactive decay rates have not always been the same (no evidence for this when it comes to isotopes used for dating,) that evolution only happens on a "micro" level (without the realization that small changes over time become big changes,) and that starlight travels at, or has traveled faster than light speed or completely deny relativity.
This is how I know the Bible is not truth, because either the biblical story is one of a lying God because Genesis is false, or our universe is a deception created by God and both nullify the entire biblical story.

The scientific conspiracy

When I was a believer, I had a strong tendency to shrug off new scientific data contrary to my beliefs. I honestly thought there was a conspiracy to disprove God through their findings because they were mad at God, didnt want to believe, or so they could do whatever they wanted without consequence.
When I started to study the science of evolution, it was really an attempt to pick it apart and find the fingerprints of God in creation. I would often see the unexplained as "God" and so it didnt need to be explained for me. My faith overcame evidence consistently with the biblical stories of creation and the flood.
There are a lot of convincing arguments on christian sites such as answersingenesis.org, and all you need is a little faith to make them feel true.
There are a lot of terms specific to christian scientists that help distinguish false secular science from science based on truth, terms like microevolution and macroevolution, historical and observational science.
These terms werent exactly helpful in my search for God, because they truly cloud up matters which are relatively simple.
For example, what they label as macroevolution is actually a whole lot of "microevolution," and all of it is just evolution. Of course there was a time when all evolution was considered false, but they changed theories with mounting evidence and invented terms.
As for historical and observational science? These are ridiculous terms.
But they sounded so good when I had faith to make them true, but when you get the rest of the story, its all baseless assertions and accusations.
I really missed quite a big observation though in my effort to deny reality in favor of the fantastical. The group of people I thought was conspiring against my faith is made up of geologists, paleontologists, astronomers, and many other scientific disciplines. Interestingly enough, the people who should have the most access to the "fingerprints of God" as I imagined they would be in nature, are made up primarily of people who do not believe the biblical story. I always thought that being in the presence of God always changed people, why did I not stop to wonder why I thought this group of people would deny God if they had physical emperical proof of everlasting life?
Interestingly enough there's quite a different group who conversely have much more collective faith than the educated.
In July of 2013, of prison inmates who chose to disclose their religious preference,  only 0.07% were atheist.
What does that say about those who believe and do not? Why is it that the people who should know for certain God's existence, if there is evidence for it,  do not believe? Is it possible that some people believe the Bible so they can do what they want without consequence?
Im careful not to read too far into this because if everyone in the world believed, it would still be false, even if I was the only one that realized it. I dont base my rejection of faith on what's popular or not it is based solely on the evidence which speaks directly to religion being the flawed creation of man, and not the perfect story of God. I also know the Christian answer to this: It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  The Bible is so clever in some of it's writings.
Im glad I am able to see the information with some objectivity and realize it is not scientists who have the agenda, but scientists who have to specify the religion they support who have a plan to deny reality, whether in ignorance or not.
There is an epidemic of invisible, undetectable, miniature, three-legged donkeys, which pop into existence with the birth of each child. They live off socks but are concerned with their weight so only eat them one at a time and they think live in washing machines. The evidence is overwhelming that they exist because there always seems to be one sock missing. Can you prove these creatures dont exist? You can prove my evidence is false, but you cant prove the creatures dont exist.
This is how "christian science" works. There is already a presuposition of God and so only the evidence which supports that is accepted, the rest is considered untrue, ficticious,  or tainted, and furthermore cannot be refuted because you can not disprove God exists.
With faith, God did it, is an acceptable answer, but what does the evidence really say?
There is a conspiracy, but the truth is out there.

I still want to believe

One thing that is very difficult for me to explain or understand is that I still want to believe.
I would be willing to bet there are quite a few out there like myself in that respect. Even though I no longer believe, it doesn't mean I've stopped studying the Bible or looking for solid answers to questions I have.
The problem I repeatedly run into with the Bible is that at every turn there is some discrepancy. It is truly why I remain an unbeliever. Because the Bible proves false consistently.
Like I said though, it hasn't stopped me from searching its text. I'm sure some will see this as a longing for "the truth," but it's more like re-examining the scene of the crime.
Some of why I feel the need to continue to study is that I know I will get a lot of questions from my family and I need to be prepared to provide answers and I have never liked the answer of "I don't know." I do have to be comfortable with that answer sometimes though.
As a Christian I often looked at gaps in science with a mentality of "God did it" and I would just be amazed without wondering further on the how of it. I would be satisfied with not knowing because, to me, it was just another instance of a miraculous God.
It shouldn't surprise me that I still feel that way in some instances.
I have a hard time imagining an eternal universe and the evidence of the big bang seems to imply ours had a beginning, especially considering the universe is accelerating in it's expansion. Will the universe ever collapse? Or is it doomed to fan out until there's no way to observe its expanse? If it doesn't collapse will there be an end? Or will it just fizzle out like a bag of pop rocks in my mouth, losing its energy and slowly becoming black?
These type of questions lead me back to a place where I wonder, is there a God?
Lawrence Krauss has some very interesting talks about just this subject. It's all very compelling in the context of a theory supported by phenomena which cannot be observed directly. Sadly it's still more solid than the theory God did it according to Genesis 1:1 considering there is some evidence. But still the thought occurs to me, is God possible? Is it just an idea in my mind? Could the big bang have been caused by an external omniscient force?
I have to admit there's so many more possibilities than probabilities and honestly, with our limited scope of intelligence, an omniscient being may not be all that great in the end. Assuming something even close to what I imagine could exist, in the end God could be a lot more like the great and powerful Oz.
It's all conjecture coming from the mind of a dreamer. The last artifact of the faith taking its time to dissipate, like fog on an autumn morning in the forest.
Like i said, I still want to believe. Not in the biblical story, but in forever. Wanting something to be true, though, has no bearing on its actual merit.

Do what I want without consequence

One thing that has surprised me on this side of my transition is that many times when people find out I'm no longer a Christian, they think it has something to do with justification of my own actions so I wont have to think about eternal consequences.
I still get comments that I'm angry with God or disappointed in him somehow, which is certainly not the case, though. I would have to believe in a biblical God to feel something toward him. It would be like stubbing my toe on the couch leg and being angry at the couch, except I'm imagining the couch, and maybe my toe. 

My life is going pretty well I think and I'm genuinely happy, so for me that's enough to prove those aren't the causes. So, what is it that others imagine I am doing in my life, which is so important to me, that it would cause me to profess unbelief in order to "get away" with it? Do they think I eat babies in my free time? I certainly wouldn't have forsaken God so I could be more comfortable telling white lies or so I could think inappropriate thoughts, because it can all be forgiven, so I have to assume they imagine a my life as filled with sin and no remorse, and not your regular run of the mill type sin.
I'm not even sure I want to imagine all the possibilities.

In reality what has changed most in my life is that it freed up a lot of time I was spending in church or preparing for church events. It seems like I still do quite a bit of studying to be sure, but I'm no longer proselytizing.

I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol. I haven't murdered anyone, robbed a bank, or picked up any prostitutes.

As a Christian I always thought I would go off the rails without a biblical compass. I imagined I would spiral out of control with debauchery and that may be what others think, but I think the question stems from elsewhere.

First, I think that as a Christian I only understood morality from the Bible. I could always look to the Bible to provide me with some sort of answer on almost anything with the right interpretation. But that made it difficult to understand morality on a multidimensional plane. Not only that, it made it easier for me to tell myself others were running from God. After all, if they really didn't believe in God, why didn't they just go crazy in self indulgence? I really thought without eternal consequences, there wasn't much reason to not do whatever you wanted. 

This isn't how it really works though. I have a lot of responsibilities and I work hard to live up to my own expectations of who I should be.

I think the thoughts also come from a need for Christians to justify how I could leave the faith.

It's truly difficult to accept something outside of your frame of reference. I didn't understand someone who simply didn't believe in God because my thoughts were filled with a Biblical understanding of everything around me. It was only when the evidence was overwhelming that I could realize I was wrong, and that maybe this whole universe is a happy accident (in artistic terms here.) I still don't know the answer to that big question, but asserting an answer on it doesn't make it so.

In the end, I think it's unfair for people to put these assumptions on me, but I understand why.

They refuse to believe I could be right. If I left solely because the evidence speaks opposite of what I once believed, it means there is good reason to doubt the basis of their life. 

I think it's fair to stand your ground on faith as it permeates your life, I was once there and I thought all these things about others, either to defend my position or convince myself there was no reasonable evidence to the contrary of my belief. 

It worked, until my eyes were opened through real world evidence. But maybe I have been fooled and maybe this idea comes directly from the Bible.

II Thessalonians 2

11 For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie 12 and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.

Well, I don't think I "delight in wickedness", but now that I've brought the verse up I would like to say that being persuaded by an omnipotent being of a lie so I can be condemned for eternity really doesn't seem fair, just or righteous by any moral standard. At least the verse may explain why I get this question.

I try my best not to put my own ideas of motivation on others and situations like these are a good reminder to myself to be a good listener. Knowing someone is always more worth while than thinking I know them through assumptions.

What about my kids?

One thing I have contemplated a lot since my religious transition is how I will raise my children.
I had always imagined that my children would be raised as members of the Christian community and a big part of that would be my immediate family and their influence.
Before I had kids I would imagine us being late for church because it took my wife too long to get ready, and as soon as it was time for Sunday school you'd see how fast they could really run. I based these ideas off of my upbringing.
Church was such a necessity that even on vacation, it was part of the planning process to figure out where we would go to church.
Especially when I first realized the Biblical story was untrue I wondered how would I teach my kids morality. I considered continuing to bring them to church because I didn't understand morality without God. I didn't think there could be a standard of morality without God. And I was partially right.
Even within the Bible the standard fluctuates from person to person based on their knowledge and faith. For non-believers the standard ranges even more wildly, though.
How am I supposed to teach my children solid morality?
I still think the golden rule applies to everyone and is quite useful. Treat others as you would have them treat you, but this does not apply to every situation. To begin with, you must have a sense of responsibility in order to be treated fairly. If a thief comes to your home, do they deserve to be treated as you would treat yourself? The answer is simple, no. They have forfeit their sense of responsibility for their own sense of entitlement. They think they are entitled to what you have for whatever reason they have come up with to justify their actions.
I feel like most situations can be viewed this way outside of the Bible's version of morality.
I think it boils down to the simple concept of responsibility toward humanity vs. a sense of entitlement from it.
The biblical version of morality covers everything with a little bit of faith, but definitely defies what I see as right because it views God as entitled to all of humanity so whatever is written in his name goes. God even has guidelines for what you can think.
There are a lot of things the Bible says not to do that no one fights, so let me bring up an example that Christians fight hard on that falls outside my standard: homosexuality.
This has been the biggest fight for equal rights since Martin Luther King Jr. was around and there were a lot of Christians on the wrong side of that moral battle. Now most Christians would say everyone is God's creation whether they're black, yellow, red or white. (No offense, it comes from a Christian children's song.)
I wonder what Christians will say 50 years down the road now. I suspect that they will say homosexuality is fine. It's what happened with slavery and segregation.
These are all pretty good examples where entitlements outweighed responsibilities.
The Bible does not approve of homosexuality to clear that up for anyone who does not know, but does it present a truly moral obligation against it? I assume the obligation comes from the fact that same-sex relationships at the time didn't allow for children in a society where having a legacy to leave behind was pretty important.
The fight in the U.S. now is Christians want homosexuals to know they don't approve of their lifestyle by denying them a piece of paper and some tax benefits.  The truth is it doesn't change the way people will live, it only makes them feel like lesser people in the eyes of others. Sometimes people perceive others to think of them as less when it's not true, but in this case, it is exactly that which is happening.
I don't want my children to view others as less because of personal choices which have no effect on their lives.
Should anyone who's favorite color is green be ostracized? Perhaps if you're favorite flavor is strawberry you should be extradited immediately. Even more gravely, a farmer who uses crop rotation, anyone who wears clothes of more than one fabric, if you cut the sides of your hair, if you like your steak any way except well done, and if you don't stand in the presence of old people, you are in danger of the fires of hell. That's not all either. If you don't like immigration,  hell. Homeschooling mom with male children, hell. Seriously, this goes on and on and on, and Christians chalk up these rules to cultural relevance.
These personal preferences have no effect on another person's happiness unless they take they choices as an affront to themselves personally and who's fault is that? I have to admit, I don't like making other people feel bad and I do feel guilt over it at times, but its my problem for feeling guilty when I shouldn't.
Homosexuals aren't gay because you do or don't want them to be, its a part of who they are. Is it fair for anyone to force them to be disallowed their own responsibility for who they are?
The Bible does not allow for this view of morality.
I want my children to be leaders in a society that looks at humanity for the dignity and liberty it could have and moves toward more freedoms through responsibility.
My children are entitled to my love. It is my responsibility to give it to them and through that simple idea, I hope I can give them everything they need to succeed morally in life on their own terms.
But what if they believe in religion despite everything I know and pass on to them?
My children are their own people. Even though they are small now and I can make nearly every decision for them, it wont always be that way.
I can absolutely accept they may believe in religion down the road. I believed it once and had faith. I know that faith is a very small leap when you have truth, or at the very least good ideals, mixed with unverifiable statements, or even lies. Most importantly I would still love them, but I would also hope they didn't lose their sense of humanity, empathy and responsibility.

Where is the hope?

I think that probably one big question I will hear is where is the hope in not believing the Bible and the salvation through Jesus.
I honestly did take a lot of comfort in the idea of eternal life before my transition beyond Christianity. Forever is quite a long time and I truly think I would enjoy living that long.
I would be able to compose all the music I could literally ever imagine. I could paint murals which stretched for miles. (As someone who enjoys writing, i wonder if you could write stories with antagonists in heaven?) I could get a really great tan basking in the glorious starlight of newly formed stars at the pillars of creation.
Unfortunately just because it is a wonderful idea does not make it true. I can imagine a world where there's no gravity and clouds are made of cotton candy so nutritious it's all anyone ever needed to eat and no one ever has to work, ever. There aren't any ancient texts claiming that will happen but it's no more probable it will come to pass than an afterlife.
There's not much hope for anything beyond this life for me. I am quite a lucky product of a long line of miraculous events, but so is everyone who has ever lived.
I am no more special than the next person except for to myself and my family. Another statement which is generally true for all humans.
I am a consciousness higher than any other animal, able to ponder the cosmos.
So I have a lot to look forward to in this life.
Watching my children grow, seeing the rise of a digital world where everyone can own or explore anything, buying my dream car, spending countless evenings with my wife.... the list goes on and on.
There's a lot of hope for things to come while I live.
I cannot trust in the idea that I will have eternity, so I will have to try my best to have a good time while maintaining my responsibilities.
Honestly though, the idea that we are simply a meat robots doomed to base desires has crossed my mind more than once. Usually followed by the question of do I really control myself?
The very fact I'm pondering that question means I must to some degree. At the very least, I'm analyzing past events which would affect reactions in the future.
In some instances I am kind of in control. I get hungry and I have to eat. I have gone more than a day without food when it was readily available, but eventually, I will eat in order to survive. I get thirsty, I have to breath, there's a lot of needs I must meet in order to continue to exist as a conscious being. I can choose to abstain from anyone for short periods of time though.
I think the craziest part in all this though is imagining what it will be like after I die.
I spent a lot of my life preparing spiritually for eternity. Most people also plan for the eventuality of their death through wills, life insurance, savings and I'm sure a lot of other things as well. But will it matter?
I'm sure when I die it will matter to those I leave behind, but me, I'll be gone. My consciousness will have "left the building" so to speak. I truly cant imagine death though.
My blackest black and quietest quiet conjured up in my imagination just don't cut it. I'm still perceiving the real world around me. It will just be over, like an unending dreamless sleep.
I think I will mostly be sad it is the end before it comes, but I will think about the good things in my life like the way my daughter's cheeks fill up like tiny balloons when she smiles, the way my son laughs deviously when we play, or the day I got married.
But then, when all is said and done. I will be gone, no longer troubled with anything here, but also unable to experience the good. 
In the mean time, I'll have to do my best to make the most good experiences for myself and others that I can and that is where the hope lies. That I still have time to enjoy this life a little more.

First brave step out

Until about eight months ago the only person who knew I was going through a theological transition was me. During the time leading up to that I played in my church's praise team and participated in a lot of church events.
I remember specifically one of the more active members in my church asked me how my relationship with God was. I'm not much for lying, but I didn't want to come out and say "I'm trying to figure out whether God really exists or not," so I told him about the things I was doing in the church. He told me it was easy to get caught up in doing things but not really progressing spiritually. He went on to invite me to a small group which I declined, but I was impressed with his ability to perceive the way I skirted the issue. He was actually quite right. I wasn't growing spiritually, I was relearning reality.
I did struggle with some things along the way. The biggest one might have been my relationship with my wife.
My wife is the nicest person I have ever met. She is amazing in so many ways and is absolutely my balancing force in life. When I'm stuck in zig, she suggests zag. When I think black, she reminds me of white. No matter what, she is always there for me though.
During my transition I felt like I couldn't say anything to her. I'm the one who fed her knowledge about why the creation story was true. She was a huge encouragement in my return to faith. I had no desire whatsoever in sending her down this crazy path I was on.
The problem was I spent quite a bit of time studying and analyzing everything I was learning and I'm not big about talking about work which meant that the deep meaningful conversations about nothing and everything she was used to us having were conspicuously absent.
It was obvious to her that I was being unusually silent.
To complicate things more she was pregnant and I know she knew I was hiding something but she didn't know what. I'm sure a million things went through her head and she would ask me to just talk sometimes and my brain would strain under the enormous weight of my secret.
We were on a long drive one day. The ride was fairly silent because the radio was low to keep my son from waking up and I was sitting in the driver's seat trying to build up the courage to tell her what I was going through.
I remember looking over at her pregnant belly and she said "So.... do you want to talk about something?"
I felt like I might throw up. I had felt this way many times in trying to bring this topic up. I have the ability to think very strategically and remain calm in the most grave of situations, but telling the woman of my dreams what I was going through was scary.
I was scared she might have doubts about our whole relationship. Or that this might be something about me she couldn't accept. Or she just wouldn't understand. We were about to have a baby, how would she react to my change of heart? Would she even see me as the man she married?
I got the first few words out one at a time with an unsure pause between each one as if I was going to just stop talking. I finally got the first sentence out. Then a second.
She was attentive, calm, not upset at all.
I spent about 30 minutes talking about the entire process before we arrived at our destination.
It was a relief for both of us. I had prefaced everything I said by telling her I had no desire to change her beliefs and I still don't. I love that she is more free spirited than I am. She is my window to the fantastical and I would never want to suppress that.
I couldn't believe how well the conversation went and it definitely reopened a flood gate of communication between us and I was relieved at least one person knew my secret and having told her I was a little sad that I had held it in for so long.
I also explained how it changed my view of our marriage, changes that I am constantly evaluating through new eyes.
I don't think of our marriage as a three-way promise between my wife, God and myself anymore. It's just my promise to her and hers to me. I can be assured that every loving action comes from myself, and not out of some spiritual obligation.
For someone who is quite disconnected from faith, the difference may seem irrelevant, but I assure you it is massive. It comes with freedoms and fears, but I know in the end my love and commitment to my wife is my own. Can it be shaken? Maybe, but my commitment to her goes well beyond what I could hope to  understand in such a short lifetime. There are no stories of courage without fear and I truly look forward to the development of our story every day whether it's boring or intensely exciting. That's what courageous love is all about.
I am with her because I sincerely choose to be.
Since then she has continued to be amazingly supportive and understanding and I have continued to be open with her about what's going on with me.
It really opened my eyes to how homosexuals must feel and I very much related to a ted talk covering just that issue. It was my first step out of my closet and it felt great.
But how would everyone else react to my change?

In the beginning

To say I grew up in a Christian home is putting it quite mildly. My dad was a preacher for a large portion of my life. He would help churches grow and then we would move to another place that needed his spiritua]l guidance. I remember him being very well liked. His sermons always got laughs along wigh teaching a lesson.
My mom usually directed the music at the churches my dad pastored and worked other jobs during the week. She still loves music and leads at a church to this day.
I can probably count the number of times I missed sunday school before I was a teenager without taking off my shoes.
I had many "mountain top" experiences, or spiritual highpoints, in my teenage years going to Christian youth conferences and mission trips. I truly believed durring that and acted accordingly.
After high school I became more interested in girls than religion, but I never lost faith. I went to a Christian college and regularly played in worship bands all through those years. Eventually I stopped going to church all together, I got married, and I lived a life as someone who believed that Jesus was the savior of my soul, and everyone knew I believed it, but I rarely went out of my way to share that in a meaningful way with others.
Eventually I was divorced and I truly regained my faith. It didnt happen immediately,  but over time. I got remarried, had kids and attended church regularly. I even got back into playing with the worship band.
This was the time period of my life where I belived the most of my own volition.  No one forced me to be there, I wanted to be at church. I activly participated in the functions and was more forward about my faith to others.
Then I went to a family reunion about a year and a half ago.
With few exceptions my family are geniune Christians. They go on mjssion trips and share their faith readily with others. Beyond that, they go out of their way to help others less fortunate. So, as you can imagine, there is a lot of prayer and talks about faith durring these retreats.
One family in particular was conspicuously missing from the retreat. I learned one evening around a camp fire that the reason that family was missing was because my uncle had decided he was athiest.
My heart sank for him and his family. I wondered why he would do that? Why would he put his family through that? How would it affect the faith of his kids? He had searched for some time to be a minister. He even took jobs at churches in the hopes of making it onto their leadership team. This was quite a shock to me. We prayed for that family that night.
I thought at the time that he must be mad at God because life wasnt going how he thought it should, or that someone was misleading him. I felt genuine concern for the spiritual well being of his family and I felt I needed to do something. I was even a little mad at him for being so foolishly cavalier with the eternal consequences to his family.
When I returned home I saw a post on my newly outed athiest uncle's facebook talking about his new unfaith. I was upset by it, it just seemed so wrong to flip from belief to non-belief. I responded to his post, and a few more with open ended discussions about why he would make such a big change, but honestly, I wasnt really listening to his side. I was only arguing against it. I was applauded by others for standing up for my beliefs, and hoped, along with others in my family, that my uncle would realize his mistake and come back around. I feared for the souls of his family.
I decided I would track down the "proof" my uncle needed to bring him back to faith. I would search for the bread crumbs that must exist in this world that God created. I specifically prayed at the time,
"God, never let my logic overide my faith."
Then I started down a path that would change my outlook. On everything.