Post religious stress disorder

Have you ever heard of anyone trying to disprove the Lord of the Rings? Or Game of Thrones? Aesop's Fables?
I have continued to study the Bible and examine it very carefully, but I have started to ask myself why. I have found numerous contradictions and falsehoods, the worst of which is Matthew 11:25. (Jesus literally thanks God for hiding his message.) So why do I continue down this futile path of studying what I know to be inherently false?
The truth is, I see a lot of others who have transitioned beyond religion that do the same thing.
It has been very difficult to move beyond the religion that I accepted as fact for so long. I'm not even sure I could have comprehended what it's like to not think I have someone in on my every thought. I still see things in an in-between state. I still see both sides of the Christian/non-Christian coin. I can have a conversation with a theist and see how they view things. Maybe it's overactive empathy, but I'm more inclined to think it's the years of thinking that way hanging around in my mind like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused.
This may be the reason why I have continued to study.
I still need to assure myself of what I know. That the religion I once accepted is false.
Transitioning beyond religion is not just a flip of a switch. It's not an on/off situation, it's a quantum state of being both or neither at the same time. I also think it's something most people will not understand.
In general, I think people prefer to have a stance on one side or another and have trouble being anywhere in the middle because it means they don't fit with either side.
That's where a problem lies for me. In my normal everyday life I don't have to justify where I stand on beliefs, but with my family it won't be that way. In fact, I don't really believe any amount of study on my part will change how they will receive this news. I honestly worry that when I tell them, the news will be met with disappointment. Is it strange that as an adult I still fear disappointing my family?
I think a large part of my studies and even in writing this is exploring my position so when this conversation happens I know where I stand.
I'm losing the drive provided by all this post religious stress disorder though. It gives me hope though, that I won't grow into an old man reading the Odyssey, trying to figure out why I ever really believed it in the first place.

Marry your rapist

Deuteronomy 22

28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

I have seen this verse many times in arguments against the Bible. As can be imagine there are quite a few articles around the interwebz which aspire to defend this virtuous piece of writing.
The two top results justify this edict as punishment for the rapist.
Seriously.
There are many cultural differences of the time which are crucial to note in regards to this commandment. Girls were regarded very much as property, as they are still in some middle east countries, and as such, if a man wanted to marry her, he had to pay her father. A girl whose virginity was not intact was not worth much because men wanted virgins and it might be that she would spend her life alone and have no man to support her, leading to a very difficult life.
This is where the possible benefit of this passage comes in. The rapist would be forced to care for her since he defiled her. It also helps the father because no matter what happens (even if he does not give the rapist his daughter) he gets his price for his daughter.
There's another matter which is also important to realize and that is the age of brides in that culture. 12 years and 1 day is old enough to marry with your parents permission and 21 was old enough to marry without. A lot of marriages were arranged in biblical times. So an "unbetrothed virgin" is in many cases a fairly young girl.
Perhaps my aversion to pedophile rapists is just a cultural difference, but i cannot honestly think of any culture where this is the optimal solution.
What is really scary to me about this, is that faith overcomes any rational obstacle to this passage being wrong!
I cannot imagine the hell many girls were forced into because of this passage, being subjected to their rapist throughout the rest of their life. As far as it being a punishment for the rapist, unlike one of the articles which jokes she might not be the right girl for him (seriously? Rape jokes?), i have a feeling the rapist being of questionable morality at the time of the incident, might use the opportunity for ongoing sexual gratification at the girls expense. And he, not being a philanthropist exactly, might not be so careful with her physical or mental well being either.
It's a rapist, not a purse thief! It's a complete violation of human dignity, not a prank.
I'm by no means an ISIS sympathizer, but those men believe they are doing what is righteous. How they can commit such heinous crimes is because faith allows them to overcome the obstacles of reason and morality, just like the two articles i referenced earlier. This is why so many in the atheist and agnostic community regard religion as dangerous, because it can lead good men to do terrible things and still feel like they're in the right.
Why couldn't the commandment say she had to sacrifice a sheep and should be considered a virgin from that point?
I understand that there is no perfect solution to rape, but I can't believe that this is the best an omniscient god could come up with which is why I cannot accept that this scripture is from any deity.
It could be that God's ways are well beyond mine and that the real issue is me, but I still don't think this lines up even biblically and it might be scarier if it does. Read Deuteronomy 28 for the prize and price, biblically speaking, of this passage.

Does God suffer from self loathing?

Proverbs 6

16 There are six things the Lord hates,
    seven that are detestable to him:
17         haughty eyes,
        a lying tongue,
        hands that shed innocent blood,
18         a heart that devises wicked schemes,
        feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19         a false witness who pours out lies
        and a person who stirs up conflict in the   community.

 

There is a lot of contradictions throughout the Bible which lead me from doubting my religion to the truth that is wholly false. This one didn't come to mind until recent studies though. In these verses I can think of two which are easily verified within the text of the Bible and I'm sure I could find more with little effort.

 

Matthew 10

 

34 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn

“‘a man against his father,
    a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
36     a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’

 

Jesus says here he is creating conflicts even within households, the basis of community. In the word's of God as man (as told by the Bible,) he creates conflict. Is God mad at Jesus (himself?) for saying this or causing it?
As a believer I honestly would explain away such conflicts through a mask of interpretation and faith. Without even mentioning all the conflict God himself (again, as told by the Bible,) orders the tribes of Israel to enter into. If God really hates conflict then Israel should be known for its diplomacy!
The other one that really stands out to me is the "hands that shed innocent blood."
Biblically I think it's pretty easy to say no one is "innocent" since all have "fallen short," but I think most would agree babies would be considered innocent for the purposes of this verse.
Did God forget about the Passover event at this point? According to the Bible, God comes through Egypt and kills all firstborn of man and animals. How can a righteous God justify this massacre? God is omnipotent but he cant change pharaoh's mind without senseless slaughter?
Over and over again I see opportunities for the God of the Bible to be better. In fact, I'm sure a team of writers today could have come up with a more cohesive and compelling story. In all fairness, it's hard to collaborate with authors separated by so much time.
An omnipotent God can do, or will, anything, but does he spend his eternity in self loathing because even he does the things that he hates? Or maybe when he orchestrated the plot to shed the blood of the only "innocent man," he forgave himself as well?
I find it very interesting to be so close to faith that I can really see how absurd it becomes with a little reason. What do I expect from a fairytale though?

Where is the hope?

I think that probably one big question I will hear is where is the hope in not believing the Bible and the salvation through Jesus.
I honestly did take a lot of comfort in the idea of eternal life before my transition beyond Christianity. Forever is quite a long time and I truly think I would enjoy living that long.
I would be able to compose all the music I could literally ever imagine. I could paint murals which stretched for miles. (As someone who enjoys writing, i wonder if you could write stories with antagonists in heaven?) I could get a really great tan basking in the glorious starlight of newly formed stars at the pillars of creation.
Unfortunately just because it is a wonderful idea does not make it true. I can imagine a world where there's no gravity and clouds are made of cotton candy so nutritious it's all anyone ever needed to eat and no one ever has to work, ever. There aren't any ancient texts claiming that will happen but it's no more probable it will come to pass than an afterlife.
There's not much hope for anything beyond this life for me. I am quite a lucky product of a long line of miraculous events, but so is everyone who has ever lived.
I am no more special than the next person except for to myself and my family. Another statement which is generally true for all humans.
I am a consciousness higher than any other animal, able to ponder the cosmos.
So I have a lot to look forward to in this life.
Watching my children grow, seeing the rise of a digital world where everyone can own or explore anything, buying my dream car, spending countless evenings with my wife.... the list goes on and on.
There's a lot of hope for things to come while I live.
I cannot trust in the idea that I will have eternity, so I will have to try my best to have a good time while maintaining my responsibilities.
Honestly though, the idea that we are simply a meat robots doomed to base desires has crossed my mind more than once. Usually followed by the question of do I really control myself?
The very fact I'm pondering that question means I must to some degree. At the very least, I'm analyzing past events which would affect reactions in the future.
In some instances I am kind of in control. I get hungry and I have to eat. I have gone more than a day without food when it was readily available, but eventually, I will eat in order to survive. I get thirsty, I have to breath, there's a lot of needs I must meet in order to continue to exist as a conscious being. I can choose to abstain from anyone for short periods of time though.
I think the craziest part in all this though is imagining what it will be like after I die.
I spent a lot of my life preparing spiritually for eternity. Most people also plan for the eventuality of their death through wills, life insurance, savings and I'm sure a lot of other things as well. But will it matter?
I'm sure when I die it will matter to those I leave behind, but me, I'll be gone. My consciousness will have "left the building" so to speak. I truly cant imagine death though.
My blackest black and quietest quiet conjured up in my imagination just don't cut it. I'm still perceiving the real world around me. It will just be over, like an unending dreamless sleep.
I think I will mostly be sad it is the end before it comes, but I will think about the good things in my life like the way my daughter's cheeks fill up like tiny balloons when she smiles, the way my son laughs deviously when we play, or the day I got married.
But then, when all is said and done. I will be gone, no longer troubled with anything here, but also unable to experience the good. 
In the mean time, I'll have to do my best to make the most good experiences for myself and others that I can and that is where the hope lies. That I still have time to enjoy this life a little more.

Back to the Bible

If you are a Christian and do not wish to have doubts in your faith, STOP READING NOW. I have no intent of dissuading others from their belief for reasons I will outline later, but in this post I'll be discussing what happened when I looked back to the Bible to see if I was denying absolute truth.
I believed with certainty, before I started down this road, that the Bible was perfect, absolute truth and the word of God. I had a lot of doubts in not believing it. I still had a nagging fear that I might be wrong about everything.... again.
If you've made this transition, I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. A lifetime of thinking one way doesn't change overnight.
It was about a year ago that I went back to the Bible to study. Part of me hoped I would find it as a perfect whole.
But it's not.
The reason why it needs to be perfect is because where ever it is not perfect truth, it is not the word of God. If I can prove some parts are false, what does it say about all the other sections which I cannot verify, parts which could only be verified by being there at the time? Errancy shows that while the Bible may have some great things to say, it's not absolute truth. It proves the Bible is the words of men.
I started by looking into prophecy.
I learned in christian college that prophets who were wrong were stoned to death because it meant they were false prophets. So all prophecy in the Bible should be 100 percent accurate, not just because a prophet said it, but because it is the word of God. So what happens if they aren't all absolute truth?
When I was young, I asked my mom about psychics. Ms. Cleo might have been popular at the time and I wondered how she convinced everyone she knew the future. My mom's reply was that it's easy to convince people you know the future if you speak vaguely because people will look for anything that can be interpreted as the prediction. She also commented that prophets in the Bible were specific and always right which is how we knew they spoke for God.

Ezekial 26

7 “For thus says the Lord God: ‘Behold, I will bring against Tyre from the north Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, king of kings, with horses, with chariots, and with horsemen, and an army with many people. 8 He will slay with the sword your daughter villages in the fields; he will heap up a siege mound against you, build a wall against you, and raise a defense against you. 9 He will direct his battering rams against your walls, and with his axes he will break down your towers.10 Because of the abundance of his horses, their dust will cover you; your walls will shake at the noise of the horsemen, the wagons, and the chariots, when he enters your gates, as men enter a city that has been breached. 11 With the hooves of his horses he will trample all your streets; he will slay your people by the sword, and your strong pillars will fall to the ground. 12 They will plunder your riches and pillage your merchandise; they will break down your walls and destroy your pleasant houses; they will lay your stones, your timber, and your soil in the midst of the water. 13 I will put an end to the sound of your songs, and the sound of your harps shall be heard no more. 14 I will make you like the top of a rock; you shall be a place for spreading nets, and you shall never be rebuilt, for I the Lord have spoken,’ says the Lord God.
This prophecy is pretty darn specific. Nebuchadnezzar is going to destroy Tyre and it's never coming back.
But Tyre was never destroyed and still is an active city to this day.
Now there is A LOT of prophecy in the Bible, and many are accurate in the complete story, so how were they able to make such accurate predictions?
The authors of the New testament were quite familiar with the prophecies of the old testament and looked for opportunities to fulfill them. And if you think it was all on the up and up, check out this verse.

Matthew 2

13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

14 So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt,15 where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”

The 'prophecy' here is from Hosea 11:1 and actually reads:
"When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son."
The passage is very clearly talking about the Israelites exodus from Egypt, not a prediction of future events.
Which brings me to my next point. The easiest way to fulfill a prophecy, is just to write down that it happened.
Belief in all aspects of the Bible require a supreme trust in "historical science" as the creationist community say. You cannot repeat the events and so you must rely on the accuracy of the person that wrote it down. Archaeologists on the other hand rely on hard observable data left behind, like pottery, clay tablets, graves and anything really that tells the story of the past.
It may surprise you to learn that there has been no evidence ever to even suggest that the Jews were enslaved by Egypt outside of the pages of the Bible. A whole generation of people died out in the desert without one grave being left. The Egyptians apparently ate or burned every slave after death so as to hide the truth from us. A whole population which the Egyptians never recorded. There is also no circumstantial evidence such as a large change in population,  an economic downturn or a shortage of workers to help this story along. To be fair, Pharaohs had a lot of power and would try to erase events from the record of their people. Amazingly enough, threes always someone devoted enough to leave something behind for us to find.
How much of the Bible is pure fiction? How much is historically factual?
I feel like this line is pretty blurry and I no longer care enough to try to sort it out. At every turn there is a sham. Don't believe me? What did God make the birds from, dirt or water? Check both stories in Genesis. Why do we need four gospels and is it even possible for all 4 to be completely accurate? If even the gospels, the most crucial evidence of the ministry of Jesus are not important enough for God to inspire accurately, how important was it?
I try to keep in mind that it is so easy to believe the Bible. There are a ton of resources out there from people who support the Bible's claims whole heatedly, and with the best of intentions. They are genuinely concerned for the eternal consequences of your soul and feel genuine sorrow for the perceived grief God feels. The real tragedy is that they simply do not know that the story they are being told is not real. Up until a several months ago I was in that same ark.
If the blind lead the blind...